Baby got mama

Having a tooth taken out in the dentist's chair is a bitch but it is nothing compared to dealing with an overtired toddler*! Okay, now that I have that out of the way, here is the positive post that I have been compiling in my head all day.

This week-end I had an epiphany. Or rather, I didn't have one which is what made it so special. You see I hate to admit it (as I'm sure you're aware) but I haven't found motherhood to be the easiest of things to master despite being told that I am very good at it. Instead I have found it to be demanding and rewarding but also very, very tiring. I am starting to realise that a big part of the tiredness stems from the intellectual participation that I have been relying on to get through the first months. I research and listen and read and ask questions. I try and make sure that I am as prepared for everything as I can be, in the hope that I don't get shown up as a fraud. Mostly it worked and the boys seemed to thrive in spite of my inabilities but I have found it rough going and both physically and mentally exhausting.

I have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out why I have found motherhood so difficult. It isn't as if I am inexperienced when it comes to babies - in fact I would go as far as saying that I have had far more hands on experience than most new mothers have and yet the last year I have felt as though I am completely new to it. It has slowly dawned on me that most of this is tied to having twins because there have been moments when I have felt cheated of the opportunities that mothers to singles have. Going out has been a big deal (far bigger a deal than it needs to be) and I have avoided taking the boys out on my own as much as possible because I have found it so stressful.

This week-end saw that turn around though. I took the boys to visit a close friend and her daughter (the frenchies) and for the first time it just felt normal. I didn't plan obsessively first - in fact it was a really last minute decision to do it. They had both woken up very early so I packed them up, took them grocery shopping and then popped in to said friend for some tea.

When I write it down it sounds like such a non event but when I was driving away from my friends house it occurred to me that up until very recently I have been tinkering at the edges of motherhood but now I finally feel ready to accept this role and let what comes naturally happen**.

A

* An otherwise perfect week-end ended with Nathan fighting sleep for all he is worth. He screamed, scratched and flung his way through an hours worth of attempted convincing. Eventually it took his aunty's finer touch to get him off to sleep - not sure how this post would have turned out had she not been around.

** Please note that by naturally, I don't necessarily mean instinctual as I'm fairly certain that I will still be reading a whole bunch of stuff before making any huge decisions :-)