Ok so I have been MIA, I know and I have no excuse. Mostly I have been evaluating what to do with this blog. There are so many of you out there who are entertaining, funny, poignant and altogether gripping that I have been suffering from a bit of performance anxiety and so I have made a decision...
I'm gonna take the plunge and risk offending/annoying or just generally alienating what few readers I have by actually opening up and expressing my real opinions on a variety of issues. I warn you, I like being on a soapbox and I like having my say so I may come to regret this decision when I notice the tumble weed blowing by and the silence becomes deafening :-)
First topic? Parenting under scrutiny. I have recently been involved in a mailing list discussion which has only served to solidify my belief that the discrimination we show each other as parents is criminal. The list comprises of several intelligent, well educated and well rounded individuals. I may not always agree with them but I am usually impressed by their ability to form well researched opinions however the following conversation (edited version) only managed to highlight how objective the whole parenting topic is:
The original topic began with a poll relating to our childhood and whether we had been spanked as children. One of the responses contained the following;
'We've never believed in smacking and they do tend to
behave and are well adjusted. Simply raising our
voices and showing disapproval tends to be enough.
But then again, my wife is a non-working stay-at-home
mum, and gives a lot of time and attention to our kids.
They don't need to misbehave to get our attention.'
I of course immediately got my back up and prepared to fight in my own corner (I am of course a working mother so guilt always forms part of my make-up) and what followed can only be described as messy. The content itself is unimportant, we have all been privy to these kinds of flaming wars and the opinions are widely published but it did make me start thinking about the way we as parents treat one another when our opinions on child rearing vary.
I wrote the following as a response to the conversations and I'd like to know where you'all stand.
'I guess part of the issue for me is that generalisations have a far reaching effect. For example many of you aren't parents[yet] and so most of your opinions/attitudes towards families and family values will come from outside influences. Unfortunately though, unlike most things research will only serve to confuse you further because there are SO many generalisations. It is a minefield of SAHP (Stay at home parent) vs WP (Working parents) but then here are a few more:
Nappies, disposable vs toweling
Feeding, Bottle vs breast
Sleeping, CIO (cry it out) vs Attachment
and many, many more. And for each of these, there are variations in between AND for every variation there is a multitude of people telling you that you are wrong. So when a fellow parents who's opinion I generally respect (if not always agree with) does the very thing that infuriates me about other parents, it gets my back up. I know Chris feels strongly as well and I suspect part of that is that I am very pedantic on this particular issue.
In all honesty, I think that the parenting world has gone mad! Gone are the days when parents compared/competed on the simple things, 'Mary is walking already and she isn't even 1' or 'Joe already knows all his colours and hasn't peed in the bed for months', instead there are charts and rules and objectives and milestones. What I want to know is, who the hell is benefiting from it all? Do you really think that ALL SAHP's provide a stable, welcoming, warm and affectionate upbringing? What about the ones who stifle their children out of fear of the unknown? What about the parents who stay home and drink or get high? What kind of example is that? Equally, there are parents who choose to work 18 hours a day and have a nanny bring their kids up and there are those who do this because they have no choice.
I find it moronic and annoying that we can't just accept that 'we' as parents may be doing something right/wrong and take the credit for having great kids or admit that somewhere something has gone amiss and our kids are a bit loopy instead of relying on the generalisations as an excuse for what we do.
(Edited for anonymity) you and your wife are clearly doing something fantastic in the way you bring your kids up and I salute you for that but I don't for one second think that if you smacked one on the hand just as they were about to grab the serrated knife and cut themselves (after you'd repeatedly told them not to) that it would undermine your good parenting in any way. Equally I don't think that smacking your child for every single thing that they do/don't do will make them disciplined or well behaved.
An excellent point raised was about what kind of values it instills in a child that grows up in a house where getting a hiding is part of the process. In some instances excess does affect you as you become an adult. As does emotional and verbal abuse of any kind. Having said that, children do need to understand anger and that people will sometimes say things which may hurt you. Assuming that removing all forms of physical discipline would somehow protect them from becoming victims of abuse later makes no sense unless you're never going to shout at them or let them leave the house for fear of someone saying something mean to them.
Abuse is a completely separate issue, one that really deserves a whole new thread of its own, but this poll wasn't asking about abuse. It was referring to an article which was about defining the right of a parent and of a child when it comes to smacking so that cases where abuse is an issue would be given priority and dealt with swiftly.
So here is my first BIG opinion post, expect a few more and some funny ones too I hope. At the very least they'll be more frequent.
A
p.s I am fine, we are fine and surprisingly the past few weeks have been the best thing that could have happened.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Touching base, I am alive if a little hoarse
Ok, so the wheels came off a bit there. They're back on, if a little wobbly and all going to plan we should be back on the road in no time. Not liking the motoring analogy? Sorry, I know it can be a bit tire-ing (ouch!)
Boys are fine (a little snotty and a little coughy but fine), hubby is fine (back from a week long jaunt in the big smoke), house is fine. I on the other hand have a lovely dose of the old laryngitis or something similar and have had a series of mini melt downs over the last 2 weeks leaving everyone thinking that I'm losing the plot!
I am feeling better and details will follow once all the solutions are in play, until then please don't disappear permanently, I will be back I promise.
A
Boys are fine (a little snotty and a little coughy but fine), hubby is fine (back from a week long jaunt in the big smoke), house is fine. I on the other hand have a lovely dose of the old laryngitis or something similar and have had a series of mini melt downs over the last 2 weeks leaving everyone thinking that I'm losing the plot!
I am feeling better and details will follow once all the solutions are in play, until then please don't disappear permanently, I will be back I promise.
A
Monday, September 24, 2007
September Round Robin - My question to all moms..
I'm sorry the question is so late this month, things are a little dishelved in my world and I'm trying to make some sense of it all. As part of this I'd like to ask how some of you have coped with the change that parenthood has had on your identity?
Please don't get my wrong - I'm not depressed or down as such but I am struggling to retain any of my old self in this new world and it is very disconcerting (and I find myself wondering whether I should even try?).
There is something to be said for the me that is the wife and the mother because I am a far nicer person since meeting my husband and I like to think a great deal more loving and patient since becoming a parent. Both of these things convince me that the choices which I have made have been the right ones and I'm glad that is the case because I dearly love my life as it is.
I'm sure though you can sense that there is a bt in here? It is only a small but and usually it is nonexistent or so insignificant that I don't even notice it is there but whenever there is big change afoot or something comes along to upset the routine I find myself wondering how my 'old self' would've handled it.
I am sure that most of us go through this process and that for some people it is easier than it is for others and maybe it is just about completing the transformation. As a family we have been through so much over the last 2 years that I don't think my hubby or I have had a moment to sit back and reflect on how much we have achieved. Instead we're mostly focussing on the day to day stuff or dealing with issues as they crop up. As the RO so rightly pointed out, we don't get any time to enjoy each others company like we used to and although I don't think this is adversely affecting us, I do think that it means we have to be super aware of the things we say or do around one another because we're not putting ourselves first in everything as we used to.
Ugh, sounds so dreary doesn't it? And it shouldn't! I am lucky enough to be popping to London for the night tomorrow, I have a meeting with a client on Wednesday and some friends are in London this week so we're meeting up. I'm looking forward to seeing them and catching up but I am no longer completely comfortable in their company because so many things have changed and I no longer desire the same things they do. On the other hand, the minute I leave home I will start missing everyone and I know that each moment will be spent looking forward to coming back home :-)
Let me know your thoughts if you can, link back or leave a comment because I am intrigued as to whether the rest of you have/do fell this way.
xxx
A
Please don't get my wrong - I'm not depressed or down as such but I am struggling to retain any of my old self in this new world and it is very disconcerting (and I find myself wondering whether I should even try?).
There is something to be said for the me that is the wife and the mother because I am a far nicer person since meeting my husband and I like to think a great deal more loving and patient since becoming a parent. Both of these things convince me that the choices which I have made have been the right ones and I'm glad that is the case because I dearly love my life as it is.
I'm sure though you can sense that there is a bt in here? It is only a small but and usually it is nonexistent or so insignificant that I don't even notice it is there but whenever there is big change afoot or something comes along to upset the routine I find myself wondering how my 'old self' would've handled it.
I am sure that most of us go through this process and that for some people it is easier than it is for others and maybe it is just about completing the transformation. As a family we have been through so much over the last 2 years that I don't think my hubby or I have had a moment to sit back and reflect on how much we have achieved. Instead we're mostly focussing on the day to day stuff or dealing with issues as they crop up. As the RO so rightly pointed out, we don't get any time to enjoy each others company like we used to and although I don't think this is adversely affecting us, I do think that it means we have to be super aware of the things we say or do around one another because we're not putting ourselves first in everything as we used to.
Ugh, sounds so dreary doesn't it? And it shouldn't! I am lucky enough to be popping to London for the night tomorrow, I have a meeting with a client on Wednesday and some friends are in London this week so we're meeting up. I'm looking forward to seeing them and catching up but I am no longer completely comfortable in their company because so many things have changed and I no longer desire the same things they do. On the other hand, the minute I leave home I will start missing everyone and I know that each moment will be spent looking forward to coming back home :-)
Let me know your thoughts if you can, link back or leave a comment because I am intrigued as to whether the rest of you have/do fell this way.
xxx
A
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Fickle Francis
My hubby says I'm fickle. Despite myself I think that he may be right. Fortunately my ficklety (fickleness??) doesn't seem to extend to people or he'd probably have left me by now :-)
My biggest problem is phones. I am a phone person and always have been. Back when phones were analog and I was a young teenager I would lust after the press button lips and the talking bears. When I visited my more wealthy friends I'd buckle at the knees at the site of the see through, l.e.d lit cordless beauties which adorned their bedside tables.
Sadly the addiction has not improved with age either. Back home in South Africa I lived alone and owned 3 different types of home phone despite not having a telephone line into my house! So far our home phone has changed 3 times in 2 years and it is only that infrequent because Chris isn't as easily won over by pretty packaging additional features on something that we use with such irregularity.
The more up to date desires run to mobile phones and this is where my flaw most often lets me down. I LOVE new, shiny mobiles and am forever lusting after someone else's. I manage to convince myself that their phone is the best/nicest/shiniest and as a result I am continuously sulking because mine is sooo old fashioned!
I guess I should be grateful that I have managed to restrict the magpie tendencies to items that don't break the bank but it is unhealthy and one day I may have to find a support group - in the meantime though, I want an iPhone its yummy and it's practical too!
A
My biggest problem is phones. I am a phone person and always have been. Back when phones were analog and I was a young teenager I would lust after the press button lips and the talking bears. When I visited my more wealthy friends I'd buckle at the knees at the site of the see through, l.e.d lit cordless beauties which adorned their bedside tables.
Sadly the addiction has not improved with age either. Back home in South Africa I lived alone and owned 3 different types of home phone despite not having a telephone line into my house! So far our home phone has changed 3 times in 2 years and it is only that infrequent because Chris isn't as easily won over by pretty packaging additional features on something that we use with such irregularity.
The more up to date desires run to mobile phones and this is where my flaw most often lets me down. I LOVE new, shiny mobiles and am forever lusting after someone else's. I manage to convince myself that their phone is the best/nicest/shiniest and as a result I am continuously sulking because mine is sooo old fashioned!
I guess I should be grateful that I have managed to restrict the magpie tendencies to items that don't break the bank but it is unhealthy and one day I may have to find a support group - in the meantime though, I want an iPhone its yummy and it's practical too!
A
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
We're halfway there
Nate has returned to his normal self, producing smelly, sloppy poo's as appropriate to his diet and his age. Tommy on the other hand is now struggling in much the same way that his brother did last week which makes me wonder if this could be viral? I have never heard of a virus which causes constipation but I'm a bit suspicious about the cycle. We shall see but the next few days bring and hope that all will return to normal.
On another note, today was my half day and since it is the first Wednesday afternoon since my sister returned from South Africa, we decided to make a special occasion of it and went to the Blue Planet (a large aquarium near to us). I didn't really expect it to have much impact on the boys at this age but they were mesmerised. The tropical fish were an obvious treat as their tank was floor level so the boys could get right up to the glass and the fish didn't disappoint, they seem to be as interested in the kids looking at them. The big surprise was that both boys absolutely adored the terapins and it was very sweet to see their looks of delight as the little turtles 'frolicked' under the false sun.
By far the best part however was the ray pond. The blue planet offers an opportunity to 'stroke' the rays. You strum the top of the water and the rays come up to the surface and present themselves for a stroke. I'm not sure whether it was the opportunity to play with water or the appearance of weird creatures but they were overjoyed when we dangled them over the edge.
It is quite a pricey outing but we made the most of it and choosing a mid week afternoon meant that it was practically empty so we could get up close and take our time. It is a great idea for a rainy or wintry afternoon and we'll definitely do it again.
A
p.s thanks for all the kind words re: the boys, it helps to remember that it really is normal even if it is unpleasant.
On another note, today was my half day and since it is the first Wednesday afternoon since my sister returned from South Africa, we decided to make a special occasion of it and went to the Blue Planet (a large aquarium near to us). I didn't really expect it to have much impact on the boys at this age but they were mesmerised. The tropical fish were an obvious treat as their tank was floor level so the boys could get right up to the glass and the fish didn't disappoint, they seem to be as interested in the kids looking at them. The big surprise was that both boys absolutely adored the terapins and it was very sweet to see their looks of delight as the little turtles 'frolicked' under the false sun.
By far the best part however was the ray pond. The blue planet offers an opportunity to 'stroke' the rays. You strum the top of the water and the rays come up to the surface and present themselves for a stroke. I'm not sure whether it was the opportunity to play with water or the appearance of weird creatures but they were overjoyed when we dangled them over the edge.
It is quite a pricey outing but we made the most of it and choosing a mid week afternoon meant that it was practically empty so we could get up close and take our time. It is a great idea for a rainy or wintry afternoon and we'll definitely do it again.
A
p.s thanks for all the kind words re: the boys, it helps to remember that it really is normal even if it is unpleasant.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Things that [don't] go poop in the night..
Hello? Heelllooo? Anyone still around? I hope so 'cause you're all my buddy, my pal, my mate ya'know?
Anyway onto matters of a pressing nature. My boys are having a pooping strike. Now it is no secret that I am no fan of the whole poop thing and if I am honest I would prefer a world that was poop-free (or more specifically poop-smell-free) BUT I realise that this is wishful thinking and so I find myself worrying a great deal about the lack of poop in my life right now. My poor babes have only just returned to good humour only to be interrupted (twice daily) by what can only be described as 'adult sized beer poops'. Now in an adult that is scary enough, in a small child it causes all manner of blood (yip!) sweat and tears.
So I'm putting this out there, I need some advice because I've been to the doctor with them (getting them to even see them was a story all of its own) and I still don't feel like there will be much relief in the near future (I believe the stuff we've been told to give them twice a day is Lactulose and so far it hasn't had any effect). As for other things we've tried;
* Prunes
* Canned peaches (in syrup)
* Apples
* More prunes
* Cutting back on some of the milk
* Increasing the water
* Massage
* Warm baths (seem to help given that Nate has pooped twice in the bath which he had never done before now but still the problem remains)
* Hugging and
* Stressing out
They eat plenty of fruit, veggies and wholegrain pasta/breads, consuming between 16 and 20 ounces of full cream milk and at least 8 ounces of water/diluted juice. Admittedly they are allowed a biscuit every day but we limit their sugar intact and they almost never have sweets or chocolate. So come on internet, gimme a game plan so that I can help my little monsters get back to terrorising the neighborhood.
A
(b.t.w I know that this is all written in a joking manner but I really am at a loss and there are few things as heartbreaking as watching a small child desperately hold things in because they expect it to be painful so any advice is welcome.)
Anyway onto matters of a pressing nature. My boys are having a pooping strike. Now it is no secret that I am no fan of the whole poop thing and if I am honest I would prefer a world that was poop-free (or more specifically poop-smell-free) BUT I realise that this is wishful thinking and so I find myself worrying a great deal about the lack of poop in my life right now. My poor babes have only just returned to good humour only to be interrupted (twice daily) by what can only be described as 'adult sized beer poops'. Now in an adult that is scary enough, in a small child it causes all manner of blood (yip!) sweat and tears.
So I'm putting this out there, I need some advice because I've been to the doctor with them (getting them to even see them was a story all of its own) and I still don't feel like there will be much relief in the near future (I believe the stuff we've been told to give them twice a day is Lactulose and so far it hasn't had any effect). As for other things we've tried;
* Prunes
* Canned peaches (in syrup)
* Apples
* More prunes
* Cutting back on some of the milk
* Increasing the water
* Massage
* Warm baths (seem to help given that Nate has pooped twice in the bath which he had never done before now but still the problem remains)
* Hugging and
* Stressing out
They eat plenty of fruit, veggies and wholegrain pasta/breads, consuming between 16 and 20 ounces of full cream milk and at least 8 ounces of water/diluted juice. Admittedly they are allowed a biscuit every day but we limit their sugar intact and they almost never have sweets or chocolate. So come on internet, gimme a game plan so that I can help my little monsters get back to terrorising the neighborhood.
A
(b.t.w I know that this is all written in a joking manner but I really am at a loss and there are few things as heartbreaking as watching a small child desperately hold things in because they expect it to be painful so any advice is welcome.)
Monday, August 20, 2007
The not-so-blue Monday
This was going to be a loooooooong post about how hard it has been to have sick children (again!) and how tiiiiiiiiiired we all are but then I got to thinking... things aren't that bad. Sure the kids have been sick but they seem to be ok today and hopefully will continue to improve all week. We might have had a tough week-end but my in-laws made us sooo comfortable and always offer such support that it really was a nice change to see them (hello daddyK :-)).
So instead of moaning up a storm, here are a few things that I am ever thankful for:
* Having a supportive and caring husband who loves me back
* Two wonderful little boys who are endlessly entertaining if sometimes exhausting
* Having a warm house with lots of windows and space for clutter to accumulate
* Having a warm and caring family-in-law who always make us feel comfortable even when the pooch/child is pooping on the carpet
* Having a sister who loves her nephews enough to stay at home and look after them even if she doesn't get paid to do it
* Living in a country where my children have every opportunity to become great without it being a prerequisite to a better life
* Knowing that at the end of each month I will have earned some money to buy the things we need and sometimes even the things that we want
Gosh I find that I could go on but that would use up all my inspiration. What about you - what are you thankful for?
A
So instead of moaning up a storm, here are a few things that I am ever thankful for:
* Having a supportive and caring husband who loves me back
* Two wonderful little boys who are endlessly entertaining if sometimes exhausting
* Having a warm house with lots of windows and space for clutter to accumulate
* Having a warm and caring family-in-law who always make us feel comfortable even when the pooch/child is pooping on the carpet
* Having a sister who loves her nephews enough to stay at home and look after them even if she doesn't get paid to do it
* Living in a country where my children have every opportunity to become great without it being a prerequisite to a better life
* Knowing that at the end of each month I will have earned some money to buy the things we need and sometimes even the things that we want
Gosh I find that I could go on but that would use up all my inspiration. What about you - what are you thankful for?
A
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Multiple Round Robin - August Question
If your babes are identical - how similar do you think they are vs what other people think? If they are fraternal - are they very different or do you find it difficult to differentiate?
This question is made up of a mix of comments that I'm sure all parents to multiples fend off on a daily basis. My favourite is when a complete stranger walks up to my 2 beautiful and obviously same aged children and asks if they are twins. I always want to reply with, 'No, I just have an unusually short gestation' but of course I don't having learnt the stiff upper lip thing from the locals :-)
Anyway onto the answer... Firstly, my boys are identical twins but though there definately is a strong resemblance to one another, we don't notice as much. Nate has a heart shaped face with a bum chin and Tom has a round face with much chubbier cheeks and no bum chin. BUT we do foten get caught out when we look back at pictures and have to do some serious looking to figure out who is who :-)
The big differences are in the personalities. There couldn't be 2 more different boys and my hubby has pointed out that out of the twins that we know the younger always seems to be the more outgoing/adventurous one.
Nate is very introspective and in many ways takes after his dad. The only real trait he gets from me is that we're both restless sleepers and we don't like being cuddled while we sleep. In contrast, when awake, he will mull things over and sit and watch his brother before methodically taking over the mischief making. As part of this Nate also gets more frustrated when things don't work the way he thinks that they should. Stacking toys cause all manner of drama when he can't get them to stack the way he wants them to and he has been known to throw the odd object out of sheer frustration. He is also far more physical, as if he has to compensate for being the smaller of the two and when he is ill he retreats into himself making his ailments much easier to notice. As a rule Nathan looks the most mischevious and I suspect that he will be the heartbreaker in the family.
Tom is the gentle 'giant'. Like me, he is enthusiastic and will almost always leap before he looks. As a result he is forever getting into scrapes and bumping his head/shoulder/knee and is guaranteed to be the boy responsible for knocking a drink over or tipping the bin out. So far he has been the first to reach each milestone even though his brother follows with a more perfected version. Tom is extremely loveable and adores physical attention. He likes to hug and will cuddled up with anyone or anything (he has an assortment of teddies but books and cars are also elligible). He is also the more sensitive child so sometimes it is hard to tell if he is crying for crying sake or if there is something else causing it. Out of the two boys, Tom is the bigger and the stronger but he isn't as tenacious as Nate so he often finds himself at the bottom of the wrestle, much to his dismay. All being told, Tommy is the lover and in my head I see him growing up picking up the pieces of the broken hearts that his brother has unknowingly discarded.
There has recently been one small role switch that makes me wonder how much of these things we project onto them (maybe they're exact copies of each other taking turns and we choose to only see certain traits?). The boys adopted their very own puppy recently, a little border collie named Bella. She is very sweet and quite gentle for a puppy and yet Nate is quite scared of her (she is about a third of his size). Tom on the other hand has no problem playing with her and showing her who is boss. So maybe I've got it all wrong, I don't know :-) but it is fun to think about what the future may hold!
As per usual feel free (PLEASE!) to answer the question on your blog anytime during August and please link back here or leave a comment so that I can share in the love.
A
This question is made up of a mix of comments that I'm sure all parents to multiples fend off on a daily basis. My favourite is when a complete stranger walks up to my 2 beautiful and obviously same aged children and asks if they are twins. I always want to reply with, 'No, I just have an unusually short gestation' but of course I don't having learnt the stiff upper lip thing from the locals :-)
Anyway onto the answer... Firstly, my boys are identical twins but though there definately is a strong resemblance to one another, we don't notice as much. Nate has a heart shaped face with a bum chin and Tom has a round face with much chubbier cheeks and no bum chin. BUT we do foten get caught out when we look back at pictures and have to do some serious looking to figure out who is who :-)
The big differences are in the personalities. There couldn't be 2 more different boys and my hubby has pointed out that out of the twins that we know the younger always seems to be the more outgoing/adventurous one.
Nate is very introspective and in many ways takes after his dad. The only real trait he gets from me is that we're both restless sleepers and we don't like being cuddled while we sleep. In contrast, when awake, he will mull things over and sit and watch his brother before methodically taking over the mischief making. As part of this Nate also gets more frustrated when things don't work the way he thinks that they should. Stacking toys cause all manner of drama when he can't get them to stack the way he wants them to and he has been known to throw the odd object out of sheer frustration. He is also far more physical, as if he has to compensate for being the smaller of the two and when he is ill he retreats into himself making his ailments much easier to notice. As a rule Nathan looks the most mischevious and I suspect that he will be the heartbreaker in the family.
Tom is the gentle 'giant'. Like me, he is enthusiastic and will almost always leap before he looks. As a result he is forever getting into scrapes and bumping his head/shoulder/knee and is guaranteed to be the boy responsible for knocking a drink over or tipping the bin out. So far he has been the first to reach each milestone even though his brother follows with a more perfected version. Tom is extremely loveable and adores physical attention. He likes to hug and will cuddled up with anyone or anything (he has an assortment of teddies but books and cars are also elligible). He is also the more sensitive child so sometimes it is hard to tell if he is crying for crying sake or if there is something else causing it. Out of the two boys, Tom is the bigger and the stronger but he isn't as tenacious as Nate so he often finds himself at the bottom of the wrestle, much to his dismay. All being told, Tommy is the lover and in my head I see him growing up picking up the pieces of the broken hearts that his brother has unknowingly discarded.
There has recently been one small role switch that makes me wonder how much of these things we project onto them (maybe they're exact copies of each other taking turns and we choose to only see certain traits?). The boys adopted their very own puppy recently, a little border collie named Bella. She is very sweet and quite gentle for a puppy and yet Nate is quite scared of her (she is about a third of his size). Tom on the other hand has no problem playing with her and showing her who is boss. So maybe I've got it all wrong, I don't know :-) but it is fun to think about what the future may hold!
As per usual feel free (PLEASE!) to answer the question on your blog anytime during August and please link back here or leave a comment so that I can share in the love.
A
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Corrected age 1 year, 6 days
I missed the real date (surprise!), 31 July would have been the boys first birthday had I carried full term. I was looking at some of the early pictures of them and it is hard to believe that they were so small and that they seemed so fragile. Here we are 14 months on and not only are they fit and healthy, they're both developing into such funny characters if a little trying at times.
It got me thinking about the people who are starting out on the journey and whether I had any advice to give them so I've come up with a list. I may add to it from time to time and you should feel free to do the same by leaving yours in the comments so that I can add it on.
Kewd, this one is for you (and if you have a blog, let me know the link so that I can follow your progress);
How to survive the first year (and eek out some enjoyment too!)
1. Ignore the books or rather, read them, process them and then put them aside. Some of them will serve you well but most of them will add to your anxiety and make you feel less capable.
2. Listening to your instincts you'd be surprised how often you're right. There is a reason why doctors take a parents opinion as part of the assessment - you spend the most time with them and therefor know them best.
3. Ask for help everybody wants to help out but most people are afraid that they'll be overstepping the mark so don't be afraid to ask. If someone comes to visit, let them put the kettle on and make the tea and if you can make a list of all the things that you'd like to get done but can't find the time to do - stick it on the fridge and let people decide for themselves how they can help.
4. Don't worry if you haven't documented every moment there will be loads more firsts and even more seconds and thirds :-)
5. Sleep! - coming from me, I know how difficult it is to fit sleep in but I also know how devastating lack of it can be. So my advice is to try and balance out the chores so that you get to nap a couple of times a day when the babies are asleep. You will be surprised how much quicker and easier it is to fold some washing or wash some bottles if you've managed to grab an hours rest.
6. Learn to share :-) share the work with your friends and family, share the burden of responsibility with you partner (at the very least it will help them to feel part of the process). And lastly...
7. Don't beat yourself up over the little things there will be moments of anxious terror when you may feel like you're the worst mother and that you're failing them. In these moments try and reassure yourself that things will happen and when they do it will be your reaction to them that counts. Babies will fall, they will cry, they will get sick and they will be unpredictable it is their job and it is ours to remain sane long enough to remind them of this fact!
So that is it for now. It has taken me this long to realise all the above and I'm sure most new parents will also have to get through the experience before they become aware of their own strengths. Until then, take comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that before you know it yours too will be toddling around and creating a whole new set of anxieties for mum and dad!
A
It got me thinking about the people who are starting out on the journey and whether I had any advice to give them so I've come up with a list. I may add to it from time to time and you should feel free to do the same by leaving yours in the comments so that I can add it on.
Kewd, this one is for you (and if you have a blog, let me know the link so that I can follow your progress);
How to survive the first year (and eek out some enjoyment too!)
1. Ignore the books or rather, read them, process them and then put them aside. Some of them will serve you well but most of them will add to your anxiety and make you feel less capable.
2. Listening to your instincts you'd be surprised how often you're right. There is a reason why doctors take a parents opinion as part of the assessment - you spend the most time with them and therefor know them best.
3. Ask for help everybody wants to help out but most people are afraid that they'll be overstepping the mark so don't be afraid to ask. If someone comes to visit, let them put the kettle on and make the tea and if you can make a list of all the things that you'd like to get done but can't find the time to do - stick it on the fridge and let people decide for themselves how they can help.
4. Don't worry if you haven't documented every moment there will be loads more firsts and even more seconds and thirds :-)
5. Sleep! - coming from me, I know how difficult it is to fit sleep in but I also know how devastating lack of it can be. So my advice is to try and balance out the chores so that you get to nap a couple of times a day when the babies are asleep. You will be surprised how much quicker and easier it is to fold some washing or wash some bottles if you've managed to grab an hours rest.
6. Learn to share :-) share the work with your friends and family, share the burden of responsibility with you partner (at the very least it will help them to feel part of the process). And lastly...
7. Don't beat yourself up over the little things there will be moments of anxious terror when you may feel like you're the worst mother and that you're failing them. In these moments try and reassure yourself that things will happen and when they do it will be your reaction to them that counts. Babies will fall, they will cry, they will get sick and they will be unpredictable it is their job and it is ours to remain sane long enough to remind them of this fact!
So that is it for now. It has taken me this long to realise all the above and I'm sure most new parents will also have to get through the experience before they become aware of their own strengths. Until then, take comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that before you know it yours too will be toddling around and creating a whole new set of anxieties for mum and dad!
A
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Baby got mama
Having a tooth taken out in the dentist's chair is a bitch but it is nothing compared to dealing with an overtired toddler*! Okay, now that I have that out of the way, here is the positive post that I have been compiling in my head all day.
This week-end I had an epiphany. Or rather, I didn't have one which is what made it so special. You see I hate to admit it (as I'm sure you're aware) but I haven't found motherhood to be the easiest of things to master despite being told that I am very good at it. Instead I have found it to be demanding and rewarding but also very, very tiring. I am starting to realise that a big part of the tiredness stems from the intellectual participation that I have been relying on to get through the first months. I research and listen and read and ask questions. I try and make sure that I am as prepared for everything as I can be, in the hope that I don't get shown up as a fraud. Mostly it worked and the boys seemed to thrive in spite of my inabilities but I have found it rough going and both physically and mentally exhausting.
I have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out why I have found motherhood so difficult. It isn't as if I am inexperienced when it comes to babies - in fact I would go as far as saying that I have had far more hands on experience than most new mothers have and yet the last year I have felt as though I am completely new to it. It has slowly dawned on me that most of this is tied to having twins because there have been moments when I have felt cheated of the opportunities that mothers to singles have. Going out has been a big deal (far bigger a deal than it needs to be) and I have avoided taking the boys out on my own as much as possible because I have found it so stressful.
This week-end saw that turn around though. I took the boys to visit a close friend and her daughter (the frenchies) and for the first time it just felt normal. I didn't plan obsessively first - in fact it was a really last minute decision to do it. They had both woken up very early so I packed them up, took them grocery shopping and then popped in to said friend for some tea.
When I write it down it sounds like such a non event but when I was driving away from my friends house it occurred to me that up until very recently I have been tinkering at the edges of motherhood but now I finally feel ready to accept this role and let what comes naturally happen**.
A
* An otherwise perfect week-end ended with Nathan fighting sleep for all he is worth. He screamed, scratched and flung his way through an hours worth of attempted convincing. Eventually it took his aunty's finer touch to get him off to sleep - not sure how this post would have turned out had she not been around.
** Please note that by naturally, I don't necessarily mean instinctual as I'm fairly certain that I will still be reading a whole bunch of stuff before making any huge decisions :-)
This week-end I had an epiphany. Or rather, I didn't have one which is what made it so special. You see I hate to admit it (as I'm sure you're aware) but I haven't found motherhood to be the easiest of things to master despite being told that I am very good at it. Instead I have found it to be demanding and rewarding but also very, very tiring. I am starting to realise that a big part of the tiredness stems from the intellectual participation that I have been relying on to get through the first months. I research and listen and read and ask questions. I try and make sure that I am as prepared for everything as I can be, in the hope that I don't get shown up as a fraud. Mostly it worked and the boys seemed to thrive in spite of my inabilities but I have found it rough going and both physically and mentally exhausting.
I have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out why I have found motherhood so difficult. It isn't as if I am inexperienced when it comes to babies - in fact I would go as far as saying that I have had far more hands on experience than most new mothers have and yet the last year I have felt as though I am completely new to it. It has slowly dawned on me that most of this is tied to having twins because there have been moments when I have felt cheated of the opportunities that mothers to singles have. Going out has been a big deal (far bigger a deal than it needs to be) and I have avoided taking the boys out on my own as much as possible because I have found it so stressful.
This week-end saw that turn around though. I took the boys to visit a close friend and her daughter (the frenchies) and for the first time it just felt normal. I didn't plan obsessively first - in fact it was a really last minute decision to do it. They had both woken up very early so I packed them up, took them grocery shopping and then popped in to said friend for some tea.
When I write it down it sounds like such a non event but when I was driving away from my friends house it occurred to me that up until very recently I have been tinkering at the edges of motherhood but now I finally feel ready to accept this role and let what comes naturally happen**.
A
* An otherwise perfect week-end ended with Nathan fighting sleep for all he is worth. He screamed, scratched and flung his way through an hours worth of attempted convincing. Eventually it took his aunty's finer touch to get him off to sleep - not sure how this post would have turned out had she not been around.
** Please note that by naturally, I don't necessarily mean instinctual as I'm fairly certain that I will still be reading a whole bunch of stuff before making any huge decisions :-)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Revenge of the molars...
*sigh* this teething milarcki(sp?) is becoming a serious drag. I believe that we are now dealing with the first molars. Holy mother of all that is [insert relevant religious deity here]! When does it stop. I know that we had it easy in the beginning but since their first birthday we have been forced to eat our good fortune many times over. Sleep is a thing of the past and the grumpy germ lurks around very corner.
We now share our bed from around 1am onwards. On a good night we only share it with 1 flailing, wild, obnoxious toddler. Most nights we are visited by 2. In reality this means that I'm sleeping at the bottom, the RO is sleeping at the top and the boys have 90% of the bed consisting of the middle and 2 out of 4 sides.
As if that wasn't enough, I have to swallow my fear of tooth extraction because on Monday afternoon I am having a wisdom tooth extracted - in the dentist chair!! Whilst awake!
Excuse the exclamations and the mixed metaphors, its been a long week.
A
We now share our bed from around 1am onwards. On a good night we only share it with 1 flailing, wild, obnoxious toddler. Most nights we are visited by 2. In reality this means that I'm sleeping at the bottom, the RO is sleeping at the top and the boys have 90% of the bed consisting of the middle and 2 out of 4 sides.
As if that wasn't enough, I have to swallow my fear of tooth extraction because on Monday afternoon I am having a wisdom tooth extracted - in the dentist chair!! Whilst awake!
Excuse the exclamations and the mixed metaphors, its been a long week.
A
Monday, July 16, 2007
Virtual congratulations...
I've been terribly remiss in my reading and have only just realised that 2 new lovelies have entered the world while I have been hiding under a rock!
Go on over and welcome Isabella and Zachary (and of course mum and dad too), may they be good sleepers, great eaters and mischevious to boot!
:-)
Go on over and welcome Isabella and Zachary (and of course mum and dad too), may they be good sleepers, great eaters and mischevious to boot!
:-)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
And I'm back ;-)
Thank you for all the lovely comments. My friend is okay (although now recovering from a nasty womb infection) and I'm taking all your advice and being extra gentle with her. Unfortunately she will soon have to face the prospect of getting on with the practical aspects of life and I suspect that means that the worst is still to come. Having said that, she has been remarkable in her strength and her grief and I am so proud to have such a great friend to support.
Onto other subjects, the last week has in equal parts been pretty cool but also decidedly frustrating. For every great thing that has happened, some annoying hoops have had to be jumped in order to get it.
My dad arrived last Saturday and stayed for a week. This is the same father who has had a completely irrational phobia of anything younger than 9 for as long as I can remember (including I believe me). The boys manage to win him over in about 3 minutes flat and they proceeded to charm the socks off of him at every opportunity. Needless to say he has now joined the ranks of besotted (if not completely hands on) grandparents. It was lovely to see him and it was interesting that the dynamic between us has moved to yet another level and we seem to finally be comfortable in each others company without feeling the need to compete. Lucky for him, he left for Turkey this morning where he is going to spend 2 weeks on a yacht with some clients of his, we on the other hand have teething children to contend with and so the next few weeks will be anything but restful for us.
I know that I have missed a whole bunch of news on the blogosphere and for that I am dreadfully sorry. Please don't think that you've been forgotten cause you couldn't be farther from the truth :-)
Hugs to all!
A
Onto other subjects, the last week has in equal parts been pretty cool but also decidedly frustrating. For every great thing that has happened, some annoying hoops have had to be jumped in order to get it.
My dad arrived last Saturday and stayed for a week. This is the same father who has had a completely irrational phobia of anything younger than 9 for as long as I can remember (including I believe me). The boys manage to win him over in about 3 minutes flat and they proceeded to charm the socks off of him at every opportunity. Needless to say he has now joined the ranks of besotted (if not completely hands on) grandparents. It was lovely to see him and it was interesting that the dynamic between us has moved to yet another level and we seem to finally be comfortable in each others company without feeling the need to compete. Lucky for him, he left for Turkey this morning where he is going to spend 2 weeks on a yacht with some clients of his, we on the other hand have teething children to contend with and so the next few weeks will be anything but restful for us.
I know that I have missed a whole bunch of news on the blogosphere and for that I am dreadfully sorry. Please don't think that you've been forgotten cause you couldn't be farther from the truth :-)
Hugs to all!
A
Friday, July 06, 2007
The nature of grief...
I have spent a fair amount of time with my friend who lost her baby and although I know that I cannot begin to know the intensity of her grief, I have come to realise that as human beings we're generally pretty awful at supporting others. over the last week I have heard several people asking her how she's feeling and saying things like, 'it'll get better with time', and 'you have to deal with these things head on'.
Now I appreciate that the intention behind these sentiments is a good one but I can't help but feel that saying things like this only serves to make the person saying them feel better about the situation. At a time when things are so fresh and raw, the last thing my friend needs is to be told that she needs to deal with her grief. It is all that she can do at the moment to maintain her sanity. All she can do is try and stop herself from thinking about it for a few moments a day and I doubt anyone could attempt to make any sense of their emotions if they were in the same position.
I am especially astonished by the way the health visitors and midwives seem completely unprepared, even when they know the circumstances before they even arrive at her house. Surely these are the people who should know that nothing can be said to ease the pain? Sometimes it is better if nothing is said at all if the only words land up being trite cliché's.
I know that some of you have suffered similar losses and I'd like to ask, am I on the right track here? Am I correct in thinking that you can only start dealing with the grief of losing a baby far into your term once the sheer enormity of the grief subsides a little? I need to know because all I can offer my friend right now is someone to run to when she wants somewhere to hide, everything else just isn't enough.
A
Now I appreciate that the intention behind these sentiments is a good one but I can't help but feel that saying things like this only serves to make the person saying them feel better about the situation. At a time when things are so fresh and raw, the last thing my friend needs is to be told that she needs to deal with her grief. It is all that she can do at the moment to maintain her sanity. All she can do is try and stop herself from thinking about it for a few moments a day and I doubt anyone could attempt to make any sense of their emotions if they were in the same position.
I am especially astonished by the way the health visitors and midwives seem completely unprepared, even when they know the circumstances before they even arrive at her house. Surely these are the people who should know that nothing can be said to ease the pain? Sometimes it is better if nothing is said at all if the only words land up being trite cliché's.
I know that some of you have suffered similar losses and I'd like to ask, am I on the right track here? Am I correct in thinking that you can only start dealing with the grief of losing a baby far into your term once the sheer enormity of the grief subsides a little? I need to know because all I can offer my friend right now is someone to run to when she wants somewhere to hide, everything else just isn't enough.
A
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Multiple Round Robin - July Question
How do you deal with the challenges of sleep training multiples? How successful do you think that your strategy has been?
I have to admit that I'm being really selfish starting with this question because I desperately need to hear how the rest of you are doing this as my two are seriously testing our patience at the moment.
The first year was a breeze when compared to things right now especially once we introduced the following routine;
6:00pm Bath
6:20pm Dress and Bottle
6:40pm Bedtime story
7:00pm Settle them down to sleep
Generally this worked really well and we even managed to have a few nights where they slept through, for any new twin mums I strongly suggest that you try and introduce some kind of regular routine as soon as possible (even though they don't seem to take much notice of it in the first few months).
This last month has seen everything change though. Thomas is now being really headstrong and both boys seem to have decided that being in the cot = fun time! It is getting increasingly frustrating to try and get them to settle. The latest trick is for them to screech at each other just as they're about to fall asleep which starts off a whole new spate of awakeness. The last few nights it has taken us around 2 hours to settle the boys and I hate to admit it but I am fast losing all patience with it!
The only big difference is that both boys have had a bit of a cold and I'm wondering if part of the problem is that they may have an ear infection? I'd appreciate any advice in this area because neither of them have ever had one before so I don't know what the symptoms are.
Anyway, enough about me and mine, feel free (PLEASE!) to answer the question on your blog anytime during July and please link back here or leave a comment so that I can share in the love.
A
I have to admit that I'm being really selfish starting with this question because I desperately need to hear how the rest of you are doing this as my two are seriously testing our patience at the moment.
The first year was a breeze when compared to things right now especially once we introduced the following routine;
6:00pm Bath
6:20pm Dress and Bottle
6:40pm Bedtime story
7:00pm Settle them down to sleep
Generally this worked really well and we even managed to have a few nights where they slept through, for any new twin mums I strongly suggest that you try and introduce some kind of regular routine as soon as possible (even though they don't seem to take much notice of it in the first few months).
This last month has seen everything change though. Thomas is now being really headstrong and both boys seem to have decided that being in the cot = fun time! It is getting increasingly frustrating to try and get them to settle. The latest trick is for them to screech at each other just as they're about to fall asleep which starts off a whole new spate of awakeness. The last few nights it has taken us around 2 hours to settle the boys and I hate to admit it but I am fast losing all patience with it!
The only big difference is that both boys have had a bit of a cold and I'm wondering if part of the problem is that they may have an ear infection? I'd appreciate any advice in this area because neither of them have ever had one before so I don't know what the symptoms are.
Anyway, enough about me and mine, feel free (PLEASE!) to answer the question on your blog anytime during July and please link back here or leave a comment so that I can share in the love.
A
Thursday, June 28, 2007
For my dear friend,
Today was hard for me but I know that doesn't even come close to what it was like for you. Your strength amazes me and will see you through the hard path that you and your hubby now face.
Life can be so cruel and so many things are unfair. Nothing I say can ease the pain and so all I can offer is my support and a shoulder whenever you need it.
In time you will need more than this though and hopefully I will be able to point you in the direction of some wonderful woman who understand on a more personal level so that you don't have to feel like you're alone. I wish that I could do more. I wish that I could share your pain so that it isn't so raw. I wish that I could take some of the weight off your shoulders so that the future wouldn't seems so scary.
I just hope that you know that you aren't alone and that I know that you won't want to ask for help so when I pitch up on your doorstep you don't need to say anything, you can just be and I will understand.
Comme avec toutes choses, ceci passera aussi
A
Life can be so cruel and so many things are unfair. Nothing I say can ease the pain and so all I can offer is my support and a shoulder whenever you need it.
In time you will need more than this though and hopefully I will be able to point you in the direction of some wonderful woman who understand on a more personal level so that you don't have to feel like you're alone. I wish that I could do more. I wish that I could share your pain so that it isn't so raw. I wish that I could take some of the weight off your shoulders so that the future wouldn't seems so scary.
I just hope that you know that you aren't alone and that I know that you won't want to ask for help so when I pitch up on your doorstep you don't need to say anything, you can just be and I will understand.
Comme avec toutes choses, ceci passera aussi
A
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Thanks and other stuff...
It's been a long month but soon it will be over and hopefully July will bring with it some sunshine because this rain is really starting to piss me off. Cabin fever is not a pretty thing and my twins have it bad!
Today we had a welcome break from the monotony of the weather, the friend whom I mentioned in the previous post brought her hubby and daughter around and we all had a lovely time eating lunch and chatting. The kids get on wonderfully and her husband is an absolute dear. I know things are tough for both of them right now (and seeing the boys playing together can't have helped) but they're handling it as well as the can and were the perfect guests.
It has been such a long time since we've had the opportunity to socialise in such a relaxed manner and I hope that there will be many more opportunities to do so.
********************************************************
On another note I am finally compiling the list of questions and will send them to everyone who has expressed an interest but I could do with a few more. So if you have any questions, either ones that you get asked all the time or ones that you think up for yourself because you want to see what other people are doing then please pop them in the comments or drop me an e-mail.
********************************************************
Things return to normal this week as I am back in the office and so (hopefully) I'll get a chance to post more often.... here's hoping anyway.
A
Today we had a welcome break from the monotony of the weather, the friend whom I mentioned in the previous post brought her hubby and daughter around and we all had a lovely time eating lunch and chatting. The kids get on wonderfully and her husband is an absolute dear. I know things are tough for both of them right now (and seeing the boys playing together can't have helped) but they're handling it as well as the can and were the perfect guests.
It has been such a long time since we've had the opportunity to socialise in such a relaxed manner and I hope that there will be many more opportunities to do so.
********************************************************
On another note I am finally compiling the list of questions and will send them to everyone who has expressed an interest but I could do with a few more. So if you have any questions, either ones that you get asked all the time or ones that you think up for yourself because you want to see what other people are doing then please pop them in the comments or drop me an e-mail.
********************************************************
Things return to normal this week as I am back in the office and so (hopefully) I'll get a chance to post more often.... here's hoping anyway.
A
Thursday, June 21, 2007
When there are no words....
A very dear friend of mine got some bad news about her pregnancy yesterday and I have no words to comfort her. I know that she is tough and that she can hold it together if she needs too but I know that she is also hurting and I wish that I could help to share the weight.
I know that many of you have experienced great sorrow in your lives and that often it has resulted in a terrible loss so I'm asking for some guidance. So, what if anything have you found helpful? Who has given you the support when you needed it most and what has only served to make things worse?
I don't know what the exact problem is but I do know that the prognosis is bad and final. She's 18 weeks along now and has to face the end is around the corner.
*sigh*
Spare a thought for my dear friend she could use all the internet wishes that you can send.
A
I know that many of you have experienced great sorrow in your lives and that often it has resulted in a terrible loss so I'm asking for some guidance. So, what if anything have you found helpful? Who has given you the support when you needed it most and what has only served to make things worse?
I don't know what the exact problem is but I do know that the prognosis is bad and final. She's 18 weeks along now and has to face the end is around the corner.
*sigh*
Spare a thought for my dear friend she could use all the internet wishes that you can send.
A
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